Being a selection of statements to Dail Eireann by Dunbar Bouvaird TD.
March 15th 2019
Fellow deputies. I needn’t dwell on the events of recent weeks.
[Removes cap in a noble gesture of the common man]
We squabble here every day, over employment rates or house prices or who should get this or that subsidy from the Tripe Board. Meanwhile we’ve let go unnoticed the clandestine world of horror now making itself known, a nationwide campaign of vampirism endangering us all.
We’ve watched, bog-eyed, as horrible creatures emerge straight from the yellowed pages of folklore and into modern life. And I do not mean the good type of folklore, where gentle-minded, buck-toothed culchies happens upon a hedge and, in the hopes of winning some gravy or a caravan or something, agree to a leaping contest with one of the fairy folk. Rather, I speak of these rough beasts now scything down entire towns; the evil, godforsaken reptiles rending bone and marrow from Crossmaglen to Ballyhaunis.
[Appreciative murmurs fill the chamber]
Throughout the country, entrails mar every eyeful from Moher to Newgrange and our every public thoroughfare is little more than a grisly trail of glistening gore. Our people die in hundreds, only to rise again with pointed teeth and flamboyant hand gestures, further swelling the ranks of the dark legion. As throats burst from Gort to Glebe, a thick patina of purple viscera now coats entire villages, serving as ironic counterpoint to the signage announcing even our tidiest towns.
[Weary, sympathetic sighing]
Ceann comhairle, the time for cowardice has passed. We must now establish a committee looking into a four-year-plan on relevant legislation and regulation of vampires and their activities, eventually looking toward submitting its findings, in the form of non-legally-binding suggestions, to this chamber at some period after the next election.
[Rumblings of agreement]
July 17th 2019
It would, of course, be cheap of me to point fingers to certain members of this house, but the fact is the army’s intervention did not work. We sent thousands of brave men and women to take out those undead hordes and a whole week of bloodshed ended with nearly every single soldier either eaten or, worse still, absorbed into the undead horde.
Not only did this fail to impede their progress, we now face thousands of well-trained and heavily armed vampires, tramping from parish to parish with only two things on their mind, consuming human blood and acquiring ruffled shirts and velvet capes that they might affix to their dress blues and flak vests. Unless we now wish that every tank in Ireland be staffed by the sarcastic undead, their cockpits festooned with candelabras and leather-bound books, we must abandon military intervention and choose a different tack.
Seeing as the senior military counsel previously responsible for policy have all now been definitively eviscerated, I took the initiative in starting pre-negotiations myself, and will spend tonight in a spooky castle at their invitation, so as to strike us the deal we need.
[Cheering and low, distant heavy breathing]
August 1st 2019
So the spooky Castle summit was a great success.
[Fiddles awkwardly with giant scarf now swaddling his throat]
I put it to the house that we must make broad gestures in the direction of those afflictive truths staring us baldly in the face. Might we not look at the benefits of our newfound situation? Our undead friends need little in the way of sleep or sustenance, save the provision of fresh blood, which we are hearing can be just as well procured from livestock or voluntary human donation. Their speed and alertness makes them ideal for the workforce, and have begun to revitalise our public services and stands a good chance of doing the same for our country’s farms, as suggested by Monday’s report on offal subsidies.
[Faint cheers, clicking sounds]
Due to their keen attention to detail preference for nightwork, we are also seeing a considerable uptick in the efficiency and utility of our public services. Factoring in outright deaths, and the rising immortal population, the strain on our health service stands considerably lightened, and our unemployment rates markedly decreased. Without wishing to seem callous, it turns out that immortality is good for your health. Their fashion sense and music scene have also enlivened our public sphere, and made us seem a hip and attractive venue for outside investment, particularly for Americans who love that kind of thing.
[Loud hubbub of approval, and repeating of the word “Americans”]
In today’s report, we recommend a raft of measures to encourage vampire participation in the workforce and, where necessary, to incentivise the practice of vampirism among certain targeted, work-shy populations. We among the negotiation committee also invite the entire chamber to another, different spooky castle to ratify these reforms before the Dáil retires.
[The deputy scratches his neck amid a chorus of assenting fricatives]
March 12th 2020
[The deputy removes his cape in a noble gesture of princely deference]
In reference to the Flatley report we conclude that, with regard to the late Deputy’s claims, recent inspections of the nation’s body-farms have not shown any evidence of the barbarity or cruelty suggested by his very biased investigators. We do question his judgement in spreading such mendacious slanders and would caution others from similar actions. Nonetheless we were, of course, alarmed by reports of his death “due to bursting” and hope the Dark Mouth offers him repose in the Land of Dust.
We have repeatedly made our feelings on vampire labour very clear but are happy to give the fleshborn rabble all such menial responsibilities, in return for a commitment to maintaining their enclosures and ensuring their state-mandated facilities maintain the highest levels of dignity and comfort. Their funnels will be cleaned and tubes swapped at regular intervals and according to every statute ordered by this chamber.
[Wrings blood into his mouth via a loose scalp pulled from a bucket near the podium]
This calls today’s business to a close. Our next session will cover the pressing matter of the upkeep of our Tidy Towns. Any deputies still wishing to raise issues relating to human welfare may make their case to the Tripe Board.